Maddie's Infertility Story: Guest Post

Morning friends!  Today I am so excited to have Maddie guest post for me today.  I have been under the weather the past few days and her guest post comes at the perfect time.  I have just recently found Maddie's blog, but it quickly became one of my favorites.  Hope you all enjoy Maddie's infertility story.

_________________________________________________________________________

 Hi guys, I am Maddie and I blog over at a Tinge of Whimsy. I normally ramble on about whoopie pies and tasty cocktails, but sometimes I like to delve into more serious & personal topics. One that is very much in the forefront for me is infertility. It is a situation that I have been dealing with for almost nine years. I was so honored when Sydney asked me to share my journey with you guys. So here goes. There are a number of reasons that we have had troubles and some should be simple fixes and others...they are way past complicated.

After over 8 years of trying, we're down to... One year to get pregnant, one year to have another surgery, one year to try new shots and most importantly...one year off of my medicine. That's why we have a limit. and every day...I get more nervous that the one year will be up and my dreams have finally crashed and burn...But I also believe in the Lord's promises.

Prepare..I may get a little personal here, so warning time. Leave if you must;) haha I will not get too overzealous in my explanations, but you know...I may throw around bleeding and tampons a time or two. but mainly this is to parlay my feelings.

I started my period at a very early age...I was 9, yes, you read that correct. NINE. and I had no idea what happened, I thought I had a cut "in a bad place" haha talk to your daughters early, folks:) By 12 I had an excused absence from school for 2 days each month b/c I would lose so much blood and have severe cramps. Everyone assumed I had what my mom and each aunt had also had...Endometriosis, but the doctor assured us that was not the problem. I just suffered from severe cramps and birth control pills should help...I tried them for a while, but due to my depression and PTSD, all of this took a back seat and I had to come off the birth control because of medication interference.

Fast forward to 6 months before I was scheduled to get married, I was visiting my future in laws in Boston for Thanksgiving when a pain that threw me to the ground & took my breath away hit me. A pain so severe, it left me doubled over in agony. The ER immediately thought I was suffering from kidney stones and were actually pretty shocked when the ultra sound showed numerous cysts that had burst. I had no idea that they would hurt so much! and I have the highest pain tolerance you can imagine(and due to the fact I eventually had kidney stones on two occasions, I can rightfully say the pain is pretty much the same anyways) Then, 5 weeks before we were scheduled to get married, they had to do emergency surgery to remove cysts...and endometriosis that was a stage 4 and wrapped around all my organs.{let's not even go into that pesky detail about how they were like you can't have sex for 6-8 weeks and this was a little less than 5 weeks before my wedding;) We got married and not even 10 months later it had completely grown back. They tried putting me on a lupron shot and it caused seizures.

The next few years just involved excruciating pain each month, excessive bleeding and all out nightmare b/c of my period. I cannot drive the first two days after I start, I throw up continuously and am the walking dead. Which is lovely for my poor hubs.  It causes infertility. To stop its growth, you need to get pregnant, but it also blocks getting pregnant. I love nature fighting nature...not;) I was diagnosed with a large fibroid the size of a grape fruit, I have to have it removed along with another surgery to clean out my endometriosos.

I was told I couldn't get pregnant without help and I knew it was going to be a long road and one of prayer, I just didn't understand the full depths. The doctors were wrong, I did get pregnant and I lost the baby. There is an overwhelming feeling of loss and of failure that you can't quite put into words when you suffer a miscarriage. I have friends who have had 5 and 6. I honestly cannot fathom how they do it. Although, we are all stronger than we think and when we have a desire...you can push through pretty readily.

I am having the surgery in a few months, I hope this one finally is what it takes.. I am going off my bipolar medicine and I am scared. What if I am not capable of functioning without it and we have to give up? I want a baby desperately, but I cannot put my desire ahead of being healthy for my child. It is a big realization, it is a world of hurt and confusion. and I have 12 months to determine if being a mother is finally gonna happen. I can't be off the medicine longer than that and still be healthy. and while I yearn for a baby, my goal is to be a mother...and not just "have a baby"... To bake cookies and snuggle, potty training and temper tantrums. I long for it all. Except the parts that involve mommy being crafty. Sorry baby B, you are gonna get the short end of that stick, but I will try. But all is good, your mommy will make whoopie pies;)

I want to be a mother, I want to have a child with my husband, I truly desire to see him be a father and for that first moment I hold my child in my arms, no matter how I become a mother. I get chill bumps just thinking about it.

The tick tock is just a lot louder and more obvious now...

This is a part of my journey, but not the whole story...and mine, while unique to me, is somewhat similar to millions of other women. Infertility is rampant. And even though it is definitely more talked about now a days, some women(and definitely men) suffer in silence. Refuse to talk about it. Find it embarrassing

.
and so, I decided to start The Infertility Prayer Project. I am really excited about the opportunities I have had to have a place where women can share their desires and wishes with other women who are in a similar situation. Whether you put it all out there or anonymously as a place to ask others to pray b/c you are not quite ready to share your story. There is too much negativity, positive words can mend wounds you often didn't know you had.

I have had so many lovely ladies share their journey with me and other ladies. I am so appreciative of Sydney for letting me ramble on here with my story.

 I invite you to come over and check out the amazing stories from some fantastic women.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Thanks again Maddie for sharing your heart with us.  It is hard not to feel alone when you are dealing with infertility.  The main thing I look for is support.  The Infertility Prayer Project is a wonderful way for individuals like me, to talk to women who are in my same situation and feeling the same overwhelming desire to have a child. 

Be sure to head over to Maddie's blog, say hello and continue to follow in her journey.  I am excited to share my story this Wednesday with The Infertility Prayer Project.