Infertility Journey: Part 5

The days just went by so slow waiting for our first ultrasound.  We could not wait to hear and see the heartbeat. 
I decided to take the day off just to enjoy the day with my husband and just soak everything in.  We stopped by to see Luke's cousin, Allison, and had her take a few snap shots of us.  We were so excited to introduce the world to our December baby. 

Once we arrived for the ultrasound the tech was in the room but so was our amazing doctor, Dr. Miller.  Dr. Miller found the heartbeat right away.  It was the most beautiful thing I have even seen.  I remember being so filled with joy.  The tech measured the baby and said it was measuring 6 weeks.  I remember thinking that was a little odd because I was 7 weeks and 2 days.  When you are seeing a specialist like I was they watch you so closely, so I knew the exact date that I ovulated and conceived.  He assured me everything looked good and there was a possibility that I did not ovulate on time and it was a miracle that I was even pregnant, but he did want to see me in a week to measure the baby again.  I left feeling excited that I was able to see the heartbeat and able to have pictures of our little one.  However, my concern overpowered everything else.  I was worried. Call it a mother's intuition.  I tried to stay positive but in the back of my mind I felt like I would never hold this baby in my arms. 

A week later we went back for our second ultrasound to be measured again.  The first thing I noticed was there was no heartbeat.  I waited for my doctor to confirm...then lost it.  The baby was supposed to be measuring 9 weeks and I was still only measuring 6.  I never felt this kind of emotions.  The baby that we tried so hard for...the baby that we wanted more than anything was gone.  All I could do was look at my husband and ask Why.  Why did this happen?  When had already been through so much losing my father, this is something we needed.  The breath was knocked out of me.



We went into the Dr's. office and he was wonderful.  He consoled my husband and I and I know he felt our pain.  He talked with us about our options.  I could wait to miscarry naturally (which could take up to 3-5 weeks) or I could scheduled a D&C and have it over sooner than later.  The thought of waiting to miscarry my child was traumatizing.  There was no way I wait, so I scheduled my D&C for the next morning.  On May 1, 2013 I checked in for my surgery.  I had the best support from my husband, mom, mother in law, and doctors.

Before my surgery, I had the doctor check one more time for a heartbeat.  I needed that reassurance.

When I woke up from surgery all I could do was cry.  My baby was actually gone and I was no longer pregnant.  It is still so heartbreaking. 

A week after, I went in for a post op appointment.  And wouldn't you figure...the waiting room was full with pregnant women who looked liked they were all ready to pop at any given moment.  My heart just sank.  Before losing the baby and even getting pregnant it never made me sad to see babies or pregnant women because I was able to think, WOW, I cant wait for that to be me.  But all I could think about was that WAS me...but is no longer. 

This was the only picture that we have of our miracle.

 

Mother's Day this year was hard.  This would of been my first one as a Mom.  Something I looked forward to.  Even though I was only able to carry my baby for a short time... I was still a Mother.  I am a mother who lost a child very early on in my pregnancy and had to experience having a baby torn from my womb too soon.  I feel like no mother should have to relate to me.  But, we are all mother

I think about all the Mothers who have had a child to hold at the end of their pregnancy, sleepless nights, and load upon loads of dirty laundry.  I hope they know how many of us in the world envy them. I have been though many pains in my journey to motherhood.  But I became a mother the day we decided it was the right time to expand our family. Even though my child, who we decided to name Hayden, is not physically here, I am still a Mother. 

As of now, we are on "hold" on trying for another baby.  We feel like the timing has to be right.  It's hard to know that there is a possibility of going through the same pain all over again and not ending up with a baby in our arms.  I am keeping the "Bump Dates" tab on the sidebar of the blog for the future.  I know that we will be blessed with another baby and there will be need to showcase my growing bump!  For now, it is in God's hands.  He is in control.