From an early age I knew I wanted to be a Mama. Just to think of having a little one calling me Mama give me chills. It is something I have always wanted. Something I knew I could not wait for.
Four months before our one year anniversary we decided it was the right time to get off birth control and just see what happens. I wanted my body to be free of birth control for two months before we really started trying.
After a few months I could tell something wasn't right. I made an appointment for my yearly examine and I talked with my doctor on how I thought things did not seem right with my body. She looked over my file and realized I never had a natural period. Sometimes I would go months without having one while on the other hand I would have my period for months at a time.
She sat there telling me that I would have a hard time conceiving on my own without any medical intervention and that I had PCOS. That's it. That is all she said.
She started me on Progesterone to induce a period as well as Clomid to hopefully grow follicles.
I left her office so discouraged. I left confused by the lack of information she gave me. I left heartbroken.
After four months on Clomid, I was still not reproducing mature follicles.
When I got home I told my husband how confused I was and that I just wanted more information about what was going on. I was so scared of the thought of never being called Mama. I needed answers sooner than later so I could be "fixed."
We decided soon after that the next best thing to do is see a Reproductive Endocinologist. My RE is AMAZING! He made me feel like I was his only patient and was so personable with me. We discussed several options and decided the best thing was to start progesterone to induce a period and then start a drug called femera to help with follicle growth. I left my first appointment with such peace and understanding.
Even though everything was great during our first month of treatments with my RE, we received a negative pregnancy test. But, our hearts were not hurt. We were on the right path and with a great team of doctors and nurses and we had to let go and let God.
For the second month, we started the same rounds of medications. I went for my monthly ultrasound, expecting to see several mature follicles just like the month prior. Instead there were zero. None! What happened? My meds were the same as before, why would I not get the same follicle outcome? The nurses explained that sometimes our bodies get use to the medicine and we would have to really pump things up.
We increased my femera dose and added injections to the mix. I went back 13 days later for an ultrasound to find out that I had 2 very mature follicles and I was ready to be triggered to ovulate. What?!
About two weeks later, I was on vacation visiting family and felt like I had to test. Three minutes later......We Were Pregnant.
Just like that, I was a Mama. My husband was not with me and I couldn't wait to get him on the phone and tell him he could expect a life changing Christmas present this year. Our sweet miracle baby was due December 7, 2013.
Once I got back into town, I had my appointments to check my blood levels and they were awesome. Now, all Luke and I had to do was wait 2 weeks to see our baby on the ultrasound.
Seeing that sweet little bean was the most amazing thing in the world. It's beautiful heartbeat; what a beautiful machine.
Then the doctor got quiet. Something you never want. Our baby was measuring smaller in weeks than what it should have been. He said he wasn't concern, but wanted to see me in a week to recheck everything.
We left concerned, but still positive that our baby was fine.
The day of our rechecking I had an awful feeling. Call it a Mother's intuition. I felt like our appointment was not going to go perfect like we hoped.
The nerves were setting in as the ultrasound was started. No heartbeat. Our doctor looked and looked just to make sure, but our baby was gone.
This is something that is so hard to relive. It is a feeling that I wish on no one. I had just lost my Dad seven months prior, and I didn't know how I could deal with losing my baby.
My husband was my rock. I knew he was devastated with the loss of our child, but he was my strength when I needed it the most.
Our doctor gave us the option of going ahead and scheduling a D&C or just wait to miscarry naturally. He did say that there was a possibility of not miscarrying for another 3 weeks and that was something that I could not handle. I could not just sit and wait around to miscarry my child, so the right decision for me was to have the surgery.
I remember waking up from my surgery and crying. Reality set in and my child was gone. I was no longer pregnant and I would not be able go hold that miracle in my arms.
Mother's Day this year was hard. This would of been my first one as a Mom. Something I looked forward to. Even though I was only able to carry my baby for a short time... I was still a Mother. I am a mother who lost a child very early on in my pregnancy and had to experience having a baby torn from my womb too soon. I feel like no mother should have to relate to me. But, we are all a mother.
I think about all the Mothers who have had a child to hold at the end of their pregnancy, sleepless nights, and load upon loads of dirty laundry. I hope they know how many of us in the world envy them. I have been though many pains in my journey to motherhood. But I became a mother the day we decided it was the right time to expand our family. Even though my child, who we decided to name Hayden, is not physically here, I am still a Mother.
I don't know anyone out there that would want to be labeled with infertility. When you are on this journey it is not a guarantee, it is lonely and is very overwhelming. But it has made me a stronger person and I am closer to God because of it.
Having infertility has made me incredibly humble. It has taught me to learn to deal with things that I can not control and I must just "Let Go, and Let God." If I can leave with you with any advice, I would say find support. Support is key when it comes to infertility. I searched online for days looking for women and couples that I could relate to.
Of course I have the support from my husband and family, but it is so comforting being able to talk to other women that are in my shoes, going through the same testing, being hormonal because of all the medicines that we but in our body. Someone who just knows.
As of now, my husband and I are still working with a great team of fertility specialist in hopes of having that little baby Edwards. Our hearts are full and our hopes are high. Please continue to pray for my husband and I for patients and strength as we continue our journey to grow our family.
Thank you again Maddie for inviting me to share with the Infertility Prayer Project. You are giving women like me the support of knowing that we are not alone in our journey. My prayers are with you if you are struggling to expand your family and wishing tons of baby dust to you!
