Infertility Journey: Summer Ann's Story

Morning friends.  I hope the Monday Blue's aren't hitting you too hard.  We had beautiful weather this past weekend and much of it was spent outside.  We are ready for Spring and some warmer temps!
Today I have Summer sharing her infertility journey.  She has been one of my favorite Mama blogs to read and she honestly has the cutest little boy.  It doesn't hurt that he was born within days of Griffin.
Here is Summer's story.




Hello ladies! My name is Summer Ann and I blog over at SimplySummerAnn.com. 
 

I am such a huge fan of Sydney's series on infertility. Not because I love reading about other people struggling, but because a huge part of my suffering with my own infertility was due to me holding everything in and feeling like I was alone in the journey. So I feel like these stories have helped me to feel more "normal". And I hope this one will help one of you to feel like you have company and possibly give you the hope you may have lost.

I always knew eventually Dustin and I would want to have babies but before we got married we made the decision that we would wait a few years so we could travel, go out with friends, and just enjoy each other. Since we didn't want to start trying for a while I went to the doctor and requested the Mirena IUD. Throughout the procedure my doctor talked to me, explained things on the sonogram, and tried to keep my mind off the procedure. It was quick, a little painful, but overall a very easy deal.

After he was done he told me that from what he saw on the sonogram he could tell that I had very irregular cycles, if he had to guess I probably only ovulated once a year, and it would probably be hard for me to get pregnant. He must have saw the panic on my face because he tried his hardest to reassure me and said "But don't you worry about that because when the time comes, I am a fertility specialist and can help with that". Dang! I went in to that appointment not wanting babies anytime soon and came out with the biggest case of baby fever you could imagine. I think it was because I was kinda in a panic that it may take forever to get pregnant so if we didn't start trying soon we might totally miss our window all together.

Fast forward 3 years and I was finally able to help Dustin feel comfortable with the idea of trying to start a family. He's a typical guy in the sense that he needed to have certain things crossed off his list to feel like he was "ready" to be a dad. And I was pumped he finally felt ready! I went to the doctor, had the IUD removed, then headed straight to the store and bought prenatals, fish oil, and the best ovulation kits my Google-ing could find. I chilled out on the wine drinking, made sure I was eating well and basically tried to be as healthy as possible to hopefully create a great environment in my body for a baby.

I used the kits for about 6 months and each month I noticed that I wouldn't get the little smiley face until late in my cycle (like day 25) and would start my next cycle a few days later. Anyone that knows the time-line of a normal woman's cycle would know that is not good. I knew this time-line wasn't going to allow our future baby to get comfy and implanted before my next cycle would start. I know they say to try a year before calling a specialist but I didn't want to waste any time, especially if the doctor had already seen issues before, so I called him and setup an appointment.

We met with him a few weeks later and he agreed to go ahead and start the infertility testing to figure out what the problem was. I went in a few times for blood draws and sonograms and they tested Dustin to rule him out. A week or so after we finished the testing, the doctor called with my results and told me that the tests showed what we suspected… I wasn't ovulating. He suggested we start with a round of Femara and to come in mid-cycle for a sonogram to make sure the meds were doing what they were supposed to. I felt broken and so angry with my body but I started the Femara and we prayed it would work.

On the 12th day (a Friday) I went in for the sonogram and possibly a trigger shot. During the sono they only found one follicle that was developing but it wasn't quite mature enough to do the trigger so they wanted me to come back Monday to check again. Well that sucked for a few reasons: Normally more follicles mature which gives you a better chance of getting pregnant. Secondly, I was scheduled to go to San Francisco for work Monday afternoon. Thirdly, the doctor was only willing to do three rounds of the medicine because of side effects. I had to make a choice... Do I buy Dustin a last minute flight or just forget about this cycle and try again next month? So I did what anyone would do and texted my sister in-law. Ya I know it's kind of a weird choice but she's very level headed and I knew she'd give me great advice. She basically told me to book him a flight and have fun. And that's what I did.

That Monday at our next appointment the doctor said the follicle was still immature and that I would probably ovulate on my own on Tuesday. Good thing I booked him a flight. So off we went to San Francisco. 

I worked during the day and when I was done we went out for a couple nice dinners and enjoyed the city. I figured that if we didn't get pregnant this time, we tried and we at least had a good time in one of our favorite cities.

A week and a half later, we had my family over for some time at the pool. We were laying out in the water, having a good time, when my wonderful sister pointed out that I looked pregnant (so sweet ;P). And my mom said she had been noticing how huge my boobs looked. Awesome. They both said I needed to take a pregnancy test but I knew it was a few days too soon and I explained to both of them that there was no way they'd be noticing pregnancy signs already.

That night, after they left, I got up the nerve to take one of the First Response tests. Figuring it would be negative like all the times before, I secretly went to the bathroom, did my thing, and waited for the result. Not even a minute later the test showed a faint positive (But hey a positive is a positive)! I was in shock! I had waited for this moment for what felt like forever and now I didn't know what to do. I just stood in the bathroom and tried to compose myself so I could tell Dustin in the way I had planned.

Almost a year before, I had purchased a bandanna for Bennington that was two layers. The top bandanna said "Guess What?" and the bottom layer said "I'm going to be a big brother!". I went to the closet, got the bandanna and with very shaky hands tied it on Bennington. I told him to go see his daddy and he ran right to Dustin. Dustin didn't get what was going on at first because I promised him I would wait a few more days to take the test so that I wouldn't get upset prematurely. I kept saying "Dustin lift the bandanna, lift the bandanna!" He finally realized what was going on and said "Are you serious??" I started crying and he hugged me while one of my legs continued to shake uncontrollably. It was such a special moment. We joked that if it was a boy we should name him Francisco. But luckily for Boston we decided against it.
 

(Photo by Kandice Ray)

I had a really easy pregnancy, and Boston has been such a joy, which I think made D and I feel very ready to try again for our second. So after maybe a month on birth control we decided to ditch it. Actually I am not even sure I made it through the entire pack. Ha! 

We initially hoped that maybe I would be one of those girls who is a Fertile Myrtle after pregnancy. Well no such luck so at one of my checkups with my doctor I mentioned to him that I was ready to get serious about having another baby. He did a sono to make sure everything looked alright. And everything was ok except my lining was pretty thick for my cycle day so he agreed to start me on Femara after a 10 day dose of Progesterone.

The cycle seemed pretty normal except for some mild cramping on my left side and some major bloating. But I figured my body was just gearing up to ovulate and I went in for my day 12 sono very hopeful. Unfortunately when the doctor did the exam he discovered that I had developed OHSS and one of my ovaries had grown to the size of a baseball. Yikes. I was put on Pelvic Rest for the next 4-6 weeks and was instructed to take it easy until our next checkup which will be today. Please send prayers and some positive baby vibes our way. :)

We happened to get extremely lucky that it only required one treatment to become pregnant the first time. And hopefully we will get good news at our doctor today. I know so many friends that are struggling and going through so much more than what we went through but when the time comes and your baby is placed in your arms (whether it be through your own pregnancy, surrogacy or adoption) you will finally understand what God was preparing you for. His plan is always perfect.
 

Friday, I've been waiting for you since Monday.

Another Friday, another Friday post.  Lets not waste another minute and hope right into things.

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Time change.  Ugh, has anyone else been dealing with this all week?  I honestly cant remember the time change bothering me as much as it has this time.  I need sleep and energy and I have had none this week.  I have already planned a lovely Saturday nap with a possible Sunday nap too.  Priorities you know?


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The Bachelor.  This is the first season in years that I have watched it from start to finish.  I usually watch the first few weeks of a new season and then the finale, but this season was one of the best!  I loved a good many of the girls and Britt was a runner for me from night one.  Whitney was a stand out to me as well because, hello fertility nurse.  Yes!  Chris was a great bachelor.  Way better than Juan Pablo, thank goodness.  As I'm sure you all know, Chris let Becca go and chose Whitney for his forever.  Becca handled it with such class and dignity and I applaud her for staying true to herself and not just saying that she loved him for the show. 

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White noise.  I have been using the White Noise App for a little over a year and I honestly have never slept so good in my life with it.  When Luke and I first got married he would have a box fan running in the bedroom for the noise factor.  I hated it.  I could never sleep with it on and wanted it gone ASAP.  Then I got used to it...then he decided he didn't want to have it running because it was making him wake up with a sore throat. Now I had to relearn how to sleep in quiet.  Nope, not for me anymore.  Some family told me about the White Noise app and I could not sleep without it.  Griffin even sleeps with it running in his room too.  Try it out if you have never used it before. Our favorite noise is the "box fan" noise. Ha!

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My boy.  He seriously changes everyday and he has been doing some of the funniest things.  Sine he was born he has always crossed his ankles.  He can be reading a book, drinking his milk, eating his dinner, or even playing, those ankles are always crossed.  We have had some nice days and we have tried to spend them outside after dinner.  We were letting him walk around the property and he would fall and automatically do this pose.  He hated the way the grass felt on his hands and legs.  He was a quick reactor to the grass too.  Funny little guy.


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Speaking of my little guy, his 1st birthday is quickly approaching.  I saw this pin on Pinterest and love it.  There is something about it just being a mother/son photo and I love it!


Happy weekend friends!


Linking up with the Five on Friday ladies:

Darci, April, Christina and Natasha.

Lauren Elizabeth for High Five Friday

Jennie for Friday Favorites

Rebecca for That Friday Blog Hop

Leslie for Confessional Friday

Amy for Oh hey Friday

Amanda for Friday Favorites

Every Day Schedule

I know every one has their own opinion on schedules and babies.  I am a planner and I enjoy having a schedule myself. 
When I had Griffin I desperately wanted a schedule for him and myself for my own sanity.  Schedules help me feel like I have things under control even when I didn't.  From the beginning I could tell that Griff liked having a schedule, but I wasn't sure what was appropriate for his age and I struggled with this for a few months.  Once we found a schedule that worked for him seemed to thrive on it.  Yes there were days that were completely off the charts and the schedule went straight out the window. If we had an off day with our schedules, it always resulted in a sleepless night. 

Even now, at 10 months I do my very best to stay on his eat/sleep/play schedule.  I enjoy looking at other Mama's schedules and would try them out when it was time to transition Griff to a new routine.  I wanted to share with y'all what has seemed to work well for Griffin at this age. 

 

7:00am: Wake up.  Get some snuggles.  Feed him Yogurt and a few ounces of milk.  He loves this yogurt that I talk about in this post. He gets a diaper and outfit change and then plays in his playpen until it's time to go.
7:30am: Out the door for daycare and I am at work by 8:00am.
8:30-9:00am: play time
9:00-9:30am snack (puffs or yogurt melts)
9:30-10:30am play time (balls, bubbles, books)
10:30-11:45am nap time
11:45-12:30pm lunch (veggies and fruit)
12:30-2:30pm play time
2:00pm: I am off work and I go run errands, pick up house, start dinner, or go ahead and pick up Griff.
2:30-4:00pm nap time
4:00pm: gets picked up from daycare and head home
4:30pm: snack time (puffs)
4:45-5:30pm: dinner (veggies and fruit)
5:30-6:30pm: play time (blocks, practice pulling up, playing in walker)
6:30pm: Bath time
7:00-7:45pm Quiet play time to settle down for the night
8:00 last full bottle and off till bed till morning. 

How about you? Do you like a schedule for yourself and/or you and your baby? 

Infertility Journey: Brandy's Story

Today I have Brandy from A Sweet Aroma sharing her Infertility Journey.  Her faith in God is amazing and I hope you can find hope while reading about her journey.

 

Here is Brandy's story.

 

 

My story starts out like many others. I grew up playing house and dreaming of being a mommy. For as long as I can remember anytime there was a baby in the room, he/she had my focus. I would watch intently as they noticed me and smiled and nothing seemed to satisfy me until they were in my arms. I was always in awe of pregnant women and new moms and I would ask tons of questions. 
"What's it like to feel a baby kick inside you?" "How do you get anything done except snuggle?" "Does it amaze you that she grew inside of you?" I'd always wanted a big family but also wanted a solid career in medicine. The American Dream of success took over my school-loving self and I planned to turn that love for babies into an OB-GYN practice or a midwifery degree at least.  After 3 years of studying Nursing and Pre-Med, God called me to take the path less rational. I finally surrendered to a tugging I'd been feeling in my spirit for a long time. That Fall of 2012 instead of returning for my senior year of undergrad, I left all that was normal. I withdrew from classes, quit the cheer squad, left my jobs, said goodbyes to my family, and moved 400+ miles away to Delaware. I was serving as a ministry intern for the church plant when God really began to change my heart on a career. I started spending lots of time with stay at home moms and had a strong desire to one day experience that with my littles and focus on ministry. The desire to be in medicine never left but I felt God growing my desire for a different life.  One year after moving to Delaware, I was standing at the altar marrying a precious country man that I know God had saved just for me. Here's where my/our story is much different than the norm. When Joel and I talked about kids, I was very open. I wanted a LARGE family (as in I would love to have 10+) and I did not want to use birth control (due to some previous issues and research I'd done). Joel was completely on board. Coming from a family of five, he saw the value in raising tons of children as disciples for the Lord. Based on prayer and personal convictions we made the decision that we would not do anything to hinder the timing or the number on growing our family.  Of course before our wedding the questions began:

"Do you plan on having kids?" 

"When will you have a baby?"  "How many kids do you want?"
We were open about this when people asked so of course we hadn't been home from the honeymoon 3 weeks when people started asking "Are you pregnant yet?" I wish I could have said YES... but after way to many 1 lined tests and great hope of being parents, my cycle came and I was crushed. No worries on my end, I thought for certain we'd be pregnant within the next few months. Instead we were hit with other surprises... a car accident, a frozen pipe that lead to a flooded living room, a shoulder surgery and the death of my grandpa. It seemed I couldn't get my head above water but in all of that mess, the biggest thing on my heart was my longing for a baby. Even when my grandpa died, I was devastated that he never got to see me pregnant because he'd always said that's when I'd look my best.  The questions came for several months:

"When are you going to have a baby?"

"Why aren't you pregnant yet?" "Have you seen a doctor?"
Here we sit in the wake of letdown number 16. As every month passes, I feel as though I will lose it. I feel like I will break. The desire in my heart for a baby is so strong that I physically hurt. Each month that passes seems like an eternity. After a total workup, we've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. The questions have now changed so much.

"Have you thought about adoption?"

"Are you going to do fertility treatments?" "How long before your next appointment?"
They're overwhelming to be honest. Especially right now as my most of closest friends are either pregnant or have had a baby in the last year, my heart feels shattered. I have a hard time mustering up answers to everyone's questions because I'm sitting neck deep in my own.

"Will I ever have a 'large' family?" "Will I carry a child that holds our DNA?" "How long will I have to wait?"
Then there are those I'm asking God.
"When will You fulfill this desire?" "Why did You give it to me in the first place?" "What is Your purpose in all of this?"  I don't know the answer to these questions. I know someday I'll be a mom.  I don't know if it will be through adoption only or by conception as well. I don't know when it will be or how long I'll have to wait. I'm not guaranteed pregnancy or 10 kids. We have no medical answers, but as I push into God and ask Him these questions, there are consistent answers I find. He is with me. | Psalm 145.16 His grace is sufficient. | 2 Corinthians 12.9 He is good. | Psalm 111.2 He has a purpose. | Romans 8.28 There are so many promises in His Word. So on weeks like this week, I have to dig into them even more than usual. I need His truth and His perspective to seep into my life so I don't drown in my own mud. 

I love blogging and I love reading blogs. I love pouring my heart out for others to read and I love reading stories and testimonies that lift me up. I find great value in that.  But if you're reading this and you too are struggling with infertility and this week has been like mine that you're just trying to stay afloat, I want to encourage you.... go pick up your Bible. Ask God questions as you read and search for His answers. Read until He speaks to you. Because no, He doesn't give the me the detailed answers to the questions in my life, but He faithfully gives the answers I need to live. I know that he'll do the same for you. 

I'm so thankful that Sydney opened her space to me today. I know sometimes when you're going through it, it's hard to read everyone's success stories and only feel left behind. I hope to one day be back over here on Raising Southern Grace to share the joy of our sweet Miller baby(ies). Until then I'd love for you to come tag along with my life in between at A Sweet Aroma. That's my little space where I spill my stories of laughter, marriage, Jesus, and the struggle to have a baby.   

Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Bloglovin

favorite infertility posts:

What if God does not provide?

To to woman with a baby in a baby carriage

Why I stopped praying for a baby as soon as possible

When Jealousy Abounds

{All pictures taken by Luminosity Photography & Design}

Let the Weekend Start

Another Fri-Yay, another Friday favorites post!  Let's just jump right in.

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Book reading has been at an all time high in this house.  From the moment Griffin wakes up, he hits the ground running and does not stop until bed time.  Because he is so active and wants to go go go, night time is the only time that he will sit still after his bottle and read a book.  He is real into turning the pages right now and closing the book.  He gets the biggest kick out of it.

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My Daddy's last surviving sibling passed away last week.  Mom and I drove to Virginia for her memorial and this picture was there.  My dad is the one holding my brother and the rest are his siblings.  They were all honestly the best people.  They had some of the best personalities and boy could they ALL cook!  They defiantly don't make people like this generation anymore.

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One big thing I love about the ol' IG is the shops you are able to get to know that otherwise you wouldn't know about. I found bowsandburlap and I love her etsy shop.  I think this pillow is a must for Griffin's new playroom.

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In house news, things are still moving along.  The hardwood floors are going in and the painters will start Monday.  Our cabinets are moving right along as well.  The color we picked is Cream by Sherwin Williams with a caramel glaze.

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Speaking of the house, I think we finalized our lights this week.  We have a lot of can lighting throughout the entire house but some specialty lighting is needed too.  We picked these Ketchler
pendant lights for our kitchen to hang over the island.  I love the Edison lightbulbs.

Happy Weekend!



Linking up with the Five on Friday ladies:

Darci, April, Christina and Natasha.

Lauren Elizabeth for High Five Friday

Jennie for Friday Favorites

Rebecca for That Friday Blog Hop

Leslie for Confessional Friday

Amy for Oh hey Friday

Amanda for Friday Favorites

Griffin {10 months}

Maybe it is the fact that you have reached double digits.  Maybe it is the fact that I am seeing you grow so fast that I just want to keep you my baby forever.  But, nevertheless you are now 10 months old.

Your personality grows by the day and every time I blink you are doing something different.

You have started being shy around strangers but as soon as they start playing with your toys you go at them like a spider monkey and instantly become friends.  You are still learning to wave by flapping your whole arm.  We are working just waving with your hands and slowly showing you how to blow kisses.

You talk nonstop.  You love to talk during car rides and you seem to always be a chatter box after daycare.  I feel like you are telling me all about your day and the friends that you played with.  Speaking of talking, you now can say Dada, Mama, Bah(ball) and Papa.  Papa kind of came out of no where while we were with your Papa.  It was awesome hearing you say a new word.

You love to clap your hands and do it a lot during feeding time.  I think you get just as excited about food as your Dada.  This month you have learned to click your tongue and you love to smack your lips while eating. 

Speaking of eating, you have became a picky eater.   We have started feeding you what we eat 90% of the time and it has seemed to help a little by giving you a variety of food.  Eating time can get frustrating when you don't want to eat but hopefully we will pass this stage soon.

We transitioned you to a sippy cup around 8 months and this month you took us by surprise by deciding to start drinking out of a straw.  I love seeing your little lips pucker up while doing it.



Valentine's Day card made at daycare

We celebrated your first Valentine's day.  It is sad to think you only have two more 1st holidays to celebrate.  You also experienced your first snow!  You didn't care for how cold it made your hands.  We also took you to your first basketball game.  I think your Dada is ready to get you on the court with him soon!

You can stand up by yourself and you love to cruise around the edge of the sofa.  It is crazy to me how mobile you are and I have a feeling you are days away from walking.

Your mama is steady planning your first birthday and I am nervous about it.  Not the party part, but the fact that you will indeed be a toddler.  We love you to the moon and back and we are so happy you are ours.

Infertility Journey: Natasha's story

Here is Natasha's Infertility Journey.  Head on over to her page and give her some love after you read her amazing story.

My name is Natasha. I think this series is wonderful! I'm grateful to have the opportunity to take over Sydney’s blog today and share my story with you.

Life before children was a dark, dark place for me. The minute that Josh and I were married the questions began flying at us like high-speed baseballs during the World Series. We weren't ready to have children yet; we just wanted to enjoy being married. Only a month into our marriage I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. For more about Endometriosis visit the Mayo Clinic.

Endometriosis was an ugly word in my home as a child. My mother had a severe case of it, and it was the sole reason that I was an only child. No siblings. None.

Although we weren't quite ready to start our family, at only one month of being married, we began having the necessary conversations with our doctors. We were told that it would take us a while to get pregnant so it wouldn't be a bad idea to start trying. Trying to get pregnant should be fun, right? Romantic, passionate, good 'ole baby making. WRONG! Well for the first 6 months, maybe. Then the worry set in, and temperature taking, charting and peeing on ovulation sticks replaced the excitement of, spontaneous, not trying but not preventing to make a baby.

Months went by quickly; either we were waiting for ovulation around CD14,  we were in our two week wait (TWW) or I was emotionally depressed because my cycle had started, once again. Trying to get pregnant is like wanting a new car, everyone around you has your dream car and it's literally on every corner. It seemed like everyone we knew was getting pregnant. Every conversation revolved around pregnancy, children, or being a mom. All of the things I longed for.

I had regular blood tests done through my OB and did three or four rounds of Clomid (it's been a while so I don't remember exactly.) That stuff made me crazy. I mean a blood boiling, bipolar, crazy person. Josh also had a semen analysis done that was within normal ranges. Before we knew it a year of trying to get pregnant had passed to no avail. By then I wanted to be pregnant. I was ready. More than ready. I always wanted to be a mother, but at this point I had a longing, deep in my soul, to be pregnant. I wanted to be a mom. A mother. Mama to be exact.

At our next doctor appointment, Dr. W suggestion I complete further testing. So we did. hysterosalpingogram was the ugly name of the, awful, test that I had to have performed. The best part? It was my birthday. Cruel, I tell ya!

It hurt. Agonizing. Excruciating. Whatever word you want to use for hurt really, really bad. My mom took me for the appointment and she could hear me screaming in the waiting room. Yup, it hurt that bad. Many women compare it to labor. I would say it is comparable. Results: Tubes clear, just a build up of mucous.

You are suppose to be a fertile Myrtle the two months following a hysterosalpingogram. So we proceeded with fingers and toes crosses, along with a lot of prayers. Months passed and with no luck. We decided that it wasn't a bad idea to have Josh's fertility checked-out again before I endured any further testing. His testing was way easier and much less invasive. Semen analysis Results: below normal in all areas. He completed a second test to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Result: Normal. Then a third test to give us an average. Results: below normal. His results varied so much that it was necessary to see and reproductive endocrinologist (RE); and that we did.

Our first visit was January 2011. They did further testing on us both. Blood work to check our hormone levels, ultrasounds to look at my ovaries prior to ovulation and more semen analysis' for Josh. Then it was explained that we have what is called Male Factor Infertility and my endometriosis wan't helping the situation either.

What to do? We weren't candidates for intrauterine insemination (IUI) due to motility and mobilty issues. In-vitro ferilization (IVF) was looking like our best option. We had a lot of talking to do. We were young and healthy. We were the perfect candidates for IVF and were given a very positive likelihood of success. We decided that we needed a few months to time out everything perfectly, especially our finances.

 IVF isn't free nor is it cheap. Insurance doesn't cover it so we were looking at spending thousands of dollars on our child before it was even a fetus. We waiting for a few months and decided the summer was the perfect time, financially. My due date would be just a couple of months after graduating with my bachelors.  The news of my brother-in-law and his wife expecting their first child solidified our decision to move forward with the process.

July rolled around and it was time to start the process. My first cycle was your typical agonists protocol or long down-regulation protocol using Lupron. I cycled July into August and was cancelled due to ovarian cysts at my baseline. Then we waited for my period. I cycled September in to October using the same protocol hoping it was a fluke that such as thing happened. Cancelled. Another stupid cyst. Then we changed protocols. My RE suspected that the Lupron was causing me to flare prematurely with cysts; this happens in a very small percentage of women- it has the opposite effect of its intended us. We switch to an antagonist protocol using Ganirelix to suppress instead of Lupron. I also used a birth control patch instead of pills.  Everything looked great and got the go ahead to finally trigger. The REs were very optimistic. Finally. I was so nervous and anxious about the egg retrieval. They retrieved 15 eggs. 13 were mature. 12 fertilized. Day 3 transfer. Non of the fertilized eggs made it to day 5. The embryologist noted that my eggs were hard to penetrate. The two week wait felt much longer than two weeks, and I was a ball of nervous energy the entire time. Did I mention that NO ONE knew we were going through all of this. Nope. Nada. We kept it a big fat secret. For me it was hard enough that I didn't randomly miss my period and get to surprise Josh with a, freshly peed-on, positive pregnancy test.

The day was December 23, 2011. Josh took me to get a pedicure to help relax me after the in-office blood test; he got a pedicure also. We went home and I laid on the couch hoping that the call would come before my in-laws arrived for Christmas vacation at our house. It was 1:00 and the sun was beating down on me through my living room window when my phone rang. I nervously answered the phone and my PA said, "Hi Natasha. I'm so sorry but the blood test was negative." I quickly thanked her and hung up. Why did I thank her? She gave me the worst news ever! Josh was outside working in the garage and I just laid there, crying... it didn't work! My whole heart crumbled. I saw pictures of my embryos. They were mine and Josh's DNA. Together. As one. For two weeks I felt like I was pregnant. I knew that the sperm and egg had come together; all it had to do was implant. Why didn't it work?

By the time Josh came inside I was hysterically crying. He knew what the tears meant. Just moments later his parents pulled in our drive.

Not only did we have to tell his parents that we were going through IVF but we also had to tell them that we had went thru the entire process and it didn't work.  We never expected that we would have to share with people that we had went through all of this hurt in the middle of experiencing more hurt but how else were we to explain my lack of excitement for Christmas and what should have been the most exciting Christmas announcement ever? So we chose to wait until that evening when his immediate family gathered at our house for an impromptu dinner. Honestly, we didn't want to repeat the words over and over again. I will never forget that conversation... we were all gathered in our living room sitting together, chatting and catching up on each other's lives. Josh spoke softer than normal (he's a loud whisperer usually). He said Tasha and I have something we would like to share with you... as excitement came across many of their faces he quickly redirected and said, "It isn't good news." Then shared our journey in his short and sweet version explaining that we both were in a really bad place emotionally. It was a very quiet evening as everyone mourned what could have been with us. My sister-in-law, Bri cried a lot... she was 37 weeks pregnant with a surprise baby girl and had a new found understanding of the desire to have children. It was the most I had felt connected to her in many months because I wanted more than anything to be in her shoes, blissfully pregnant at 37 weeks. I was so excited for my coming niece but it definitely made our situation more painful. I am so thankful that they didn't have to experience the pain that naturally comes along with being childless and struggling with infertility... honestly I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

Three days later my niece was born. It was such an exciting day but I spent most of the day worrying. My hormones were balancing back out and I was worried how I would handle myself if and when the flood of emotions hit. I did pretty well and only cried when I held her. She was a miracle. Pregnancy and children are the biggest miracles and blessings in this world. That was one thing that was crystal clear to me.

 In many ways I cut off my emotions and feelings from that day forward. I wanted to enjoy my niece and not mourn what I didn't have. I did exactly that. I made the decision that I didn't want to do another round of IVF anytime soon and I wanted to just enjoy life in general... including spending time as an aunt. Me making the decision was different than life making the decision for me. Josh and I enjoyed life by traveling and dating each other, something we had forgotten how to do in the midst of the stressful IVF cycles. We bought our dream boat and traveled to Mexico, Seattle, Florida and many other fun places together. Other than a diagnostic laparoscopy in May of 2012 for severe pain to "clean out" my endometriosis, there was no testing, no poking or prodding to jumble up our days. We were just us for a year traveling and living life one the lake, and it was really nice.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't still emotionally broken inside. Every time someone announced their pregnancy via Facebook, I cried. Every time I saw a woman with a beautiful, blossoming belly, I cried. I cried myself to sleep many, many nights and Josh would just hold me and tell me it would all work out. He believed in his heart that we would have children of our own on day.

Throughout that year we had family and friends praying for us and that things would happen in God's time. My relationship with Jesus Christ became so much stronger. Every Sunday during worship service I cried may way thru the words of every song and felt like God had chosen each one of them specifically for me and how I was feeling that day or week. I started to gain clarity and emotional strength when one day on my way to work I was listening to my favorite morning show in Atlanta, the Bert Show, and one of the cast members, Jenn Hobby, shared her infertility journey. That day she said, "I feel in my heart to share my journey because someone who is listening needs to hear this. Don't give up! Infertility is an emotional road and takes a toll on everyone involved but don't give up!" She said many other things that I don't remember verbatim but I felt as though she was speaking to my heart. Could anyone else hear her words? Was this message just for me... probably not but it felt like it. God speaks to us in many ways and I believe with all of my heart that he was speaking directly to me through her.

I went home that day and told Josh I was ready to give it another go. At this point it was November.... I know the same time we had unsuccessfully done IVF before. You think I would have learned my lesson before! I made an appointment with my RE to start the process. We met with the RE and made a few choices about protocols and he decided to pull out the "big guns" so to speak. The Mac Daddy protocol for poor responders called Microdose Flare protocol. We started around Thanksgiving and they did a trans-vaginal ultrasound before stimulating because of the protocol type and how I had previously responded. I had cysts all over my ovaries. The birth control pills were causing them and was probably the cause of the cysts in my prior cycles as well. What did this mean? Another cancelled cycle.

This cancelled cycle really hurt my energy. I had decided to keep a very positive attitude. I prayed every night for nothing but positive thoughts. I had been receiving acupuncture for months leading up to the start of the cycle for reproductive health, to better embryo quality and for positive energy. I increased my frequency of acupuncture visits and practically prayed myself to sleep once we were cancelled. I kept telling myself this is going to work and Christmas time is not the right time for us, obviously.

Let me tell you, waiting for CD1 is like waiting for Christmas in July! CD1 came and went since there were lab closures due to the holidays. BUMMER! Then we had to wait another 35 days... darn 35 day cycle... like clockwork it was always 35 days. It was infuriating that I had to wait 35 more days. The holidays came and went and on January 2nd CD1 appeared 15 days early!! I praised the Lord so many times that day it's almost comical. During this cycle I received acupuncture twice per week. We stimulated off of my natural cycle (meaning that we didn't use birth control in the beginning of the cycle) using Lupron and then did a retrieval 1 day earlier than planned due to one follicle out growing the rest. They retrieved 11 eggs, 7 were mature, 6 fertilized and 5 made it to day 3. We transferred 2 and had none to freeze in the end. On transfer day I received acupuncture before and after the transfer to calm me and to increase blood flow to my uterus. The quality of our embryos were much better than the cycle a year earlier meaning that the acupuncture must have helped in that category. Throughout this cycle I also ate clean, drink wheat grass juice twice daily and added daily servings of Chia seeds to my diet.... I would have eaten poop if it guaranteed a baby in my arms. Yuck, I know... but truth!

Our two embryos. Day 3 transfer

The two week wait was the slowest two weeks ever. It felt like months had passed. My HcG test was on Friday, February 1, 2013. I took the day off work and had the blood work done that morning. Josh and I left for North Carolina around 11 am to visit family and patiently waited on the phone call. Josh received a work call and minutes later my phone rang and it was my RE. He never called me. I was always his PA. He said, "Well Natasha, I'm finally getting to give you the news we've waited so long to deliver... You're Pregnant!" I just cried.... and said Thank you so much and hung up. I was in shock. Josh quickly ended his call and I clarified that my tears were joyful tears and that we were finally pregnant with an HcG level in the 200s. Praise the Lord!!! Then our first ultrasound revealed that we were expecting TWINS!!!

We didn't find out the genders of our babies and I had an uneventful pregnancy up until it wasn't at 29 weeks. I delivered two healthy babies at 32 weeks and 4 days{Pre-term Labor & Delivery}. Although   I had many complications afterwards,  they only spent 17 days in the NICU with normal preemie monitoring and are now thriving 18 month olds now. 

 

 

 

Going through infertility changed me in so many ways, but I wouldn't change one detail of our story.  I am the mother I am today because of it, and my marriage is stronger and my faith is unshakable.  Although, we have two beautiful girls I can't say that our struggle with infertility is over and I'm afraid that it's about to become all too familiar again as attempt to grow our family more. 

Thank you for reading about our journey.  I blog over at Zabie Love. if you'd like to follow along about life after infertility and parenting toddler twins.  I wish each and everyone of you luck and offer prayers of peace and positivity in your own journeys. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or need a listening ear. 

XOXO,