Monday, March 9, 2015

Infertility Journey: Brandy's Story

Today I have Brandy from A Sweet Aroma sharing her Infertility Journey.  Her faith in God is amazing and I hope you can find hope while reading about her journey.
Here is Brandy's story.

My story starts out like many others. I grew up playing house and dreaming of being a mommy. For as long as I can remember anytime there was a baby in the room, he/she had my focus. I would watch intently as they noticed me and smiled and nothing seemed to satisfy me until they were in my arms. I was always in awe of pregnant women and new moms and I would ask tons of questions. 
"What's it like to feel a baby kick inside you?"
"How do you get anything done except snuggle?"
"Does it amaze you that she grew inside of you?"
I'd always wanted a big family but also wanted a solid career in medicine. The American Dream of success took over my school-loving self and I planned to turn that love for babies into an OB-GYN practice or a midwifery degree at least. 
After 3 years of studying Nursing and Pre-Med, God called me to take the path less rational. I finally surrendered to a tugging I'd been feeling in my spirit for a long time. That Fall of 2012 instead of returning for my senior year of undergrad, I left all that was normal. I withdrew from classes, quit the cheer squad, left my jobs, said goodbyes to my family, and moved 400+ miles away to Delaware. I was serving as a ministry intern for the church plant when God really began to change my heart on a career. I started spending lots of time with stay at home moms and had a strong desire to one day experience that with my littles and focus on ministry. The desire to be in medicine never left but I felt God growing my desire for a different life. 
One year after moving to Delaware, I was standing at the altar marrying a precious country man that I know God had saved just for me. Here's where my/our story is much different than the norm. When Joel and I talked about kids, I was very open. I wanted a LARGE family (as in I would love to have 10+) and I did not want to use birth control (due to some previous issues and research I'd done). Joel was completely on board. Coming from a family of five, he saw the value in raising tons of children as disciples for the Lord. Based on prayer and personal convictions we made the decision that we would not do anything to hinder the timing or the number on growing our family. 
Of course before our wedding the questions began:
"Do you plan on having kids?" 
"When will you have a baby?" 
"How many kids do you want?"
We were open about this when people asked so of course we hadn't been home from the honeymoon 3 weeks when people started asking "Are you pregnant yet?"
I wish I could have said YES... but after way to many 1 lined tests and great hope of being parents, my cycle came and I was crushed. No worries on my end, I thought for certain we'd be pregnant within the next few months. Instead we were hit with other surprises... a car accident, a frozen pipe that lead to a flooded living room, a shoulder surgery and the death of my grandpa. It seemed I couldn't get my head above water but in all of that mess, the biggest thing on my heart was my longing for a baby. Even when my grandpa died, I was devastated that he never got to see me pregnant because he'd always said that's when I'd look my best. 
The questions came for several months:
"When are you going to have a baby?"
"Why aren't you pregnant yet?"
"Have you seen a doctor?"
Here we sit in the wake of letdown number 16. As every month passes, I feel as though I will lose it. I feel like I will break. The desire in my heart for a baby is so strong that I physically hurt. Each month that passes seems like an eternity. After a total workup, we've been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. The questions have now changed so much.
"Have you thought about adoption?"
"Are you going to do fertility treatments?"
"How long before your next appointment?"

They're overwhelming to be honest. Especially right now as my most of closest friends are either pregnant or have had a baby in the last year, my heart feels shattered. I have a hard time mustering up answers to everyone's questions because I'm sitting neck deep in my own.

"Will I ever have a 'large' family?"
"Will I carry a child that holds our DNA?"
"How long will I have to wait?"
Then there are those I'm asking God.
"When will You fulfill this desire?"
"Why did You give it to me in the first place?"
"What is Your purpose in all of this?" 
I don't know the answer to these questions. I know someday I'll be a mom.  I don't know if it will be through adoption only or by conception as well. I don't know when it will be or how long I'll have to wait. I'm not guaranteed pregnancy or 10 kids. We have no medical answers, but as I push into God and ask Him these questions, there are consistent answers I find.
He is with me. | Psalm 145.16
His grace is sufficient. | 2 Corinthians 12.9
He is good. | Psalm 111.2
He has a purpose. | Romans 8.28
There are so many promises in His Word. So on weeks like this week, I have to dig into them even more than usual. I need His truth and His perspective to seep into my life so I don't drown in my own mud. 

I love blogging and I love reading blogs. I love pouring my heart out for others to read and I love reading stories and testimonies that lift me up. I find great value in that. 
But if you're reading this and you too are struggling with infertility and this week has been like mine that you're just trying to stay afloat, I want to encourage you.... go pick up your Bible. Ask God questions as you read and search for His answers. Read until He speaks to you. Because no, He doesn't give the me the detailed answers to the questions in my life, but He faithfully gives the answers I need to live. I know that he'll do the same for you. 

I'm so thankful that Sydney opened her space to me today. I know sometimes when you're going through it, it's hard to read everyone's success stories and only feel left behind. I hope to one day be back over here on Raising Southern Grace to share the joy of our sweet Miller baby(ies). Until then I'd love for you to come tag along with my life in between at A Sweet Aroma. That's my little space where I spill my stories of laughter, marriage, Jesus, and the struggle to have a baby. 

favorite infertility posts:

{All pictures taken by Luminosity Photography & Design}

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