Sunday, June 2, 2013

Life after Loss

As I am sitting here I am watching 3 hummingbirds.  They are so small but one of God's beautiful creations.  When I was little my Daddy always would point out things in nature and could watch birds for hours it seemed.  I usually just entertained him and just chalked it up as OK...old people and their bird watching. Yeah Yeah.  But now, its completely different.  My husband and I love watching all the birds come to the feeders, love walking outside in the mornings and hearing the turkeys, raising the blinds so we can see the deer in the field.  We have turned into old married folks.  And I am Okay with that.  Daddy would be proud.

I have written about my Daddy before on this blog.  You can read about it Here.  He will never be Dad.  Always Daddy.  I grew up in such a happy home.  My parents are honestly the best. 
Growing up I always knew my Daddy was older but never really thought much about it.  I remember when I was 7 it hit me that he may pass away before all my friends' dads would.  It got me scared and worried.  I worried from then on about him passing away.  He was my Daddy and I wanted him to stay around forever.

When I was around 10 I remember staying at my grandparents house for awhile only to find out a few years later we were there while Daddy had surgery to remove cancer from his body.  When I was 21 Daddy had kidney cancer and he had surgery to remove one of his kidneys.  He took his meds and went on with life. He always went on.  He had a wife and two children to be around for.  At 23 I found out that he now had lung cancer. A cancer cell from his kidney before it was removed traveled to his lung.  Daddy took several chemo and radiation treatments but later on had to have surgery yet again to remove a wedge of his lung where the cancer was.  The cancer wasn't fully removed but it was slow growing so we were worried but not on high alert. 

Then in October he went for his normal check up and was told that he had pneumonia and was admitted into the hospital.  I remember him looking "fine."  He even was laughing because he couldn't believe he was admitted.  Day after day Daddy went down hill.  On December 19th I watched him take his last breath.  My Daddy was a fighter and I know he didn't want to leave us.  I wasn't ready for him to go.  All I could keep thinking was "what are we going to do without him?"

But, we are making it.  It has been a little over seven months and we are still standing.  I have my moments and I would give anything for a hug or even have him ask me to give him a back rub (which I hated doing...he was so picky)
My husband calls me spoiled all the time and says how much I act like my Daddy.  That's the best complement anyone can give me...that I am like him.
There are always going to be bumps in the road.  Death is a bump we all have to deal with.  I hated losing my Daddy, but what helps me get through is that he is in such a better place than we are.  Death is Life and I know he is in heaven rocking my little angel.  

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