This morning I have another Infertility Journey story for you. This Mama has been through it and I hope you find some encouragement through reading it.
Here is Suzanne's story.
My name is Suzanne and I’ve been blogging about my
infertility for over three years at Our Journey To A Baby Bump and
trying to conceive for almost four.
My husband and I met in 2001. He
lived in the apartment below me. Within weeks of my moving in, we were spending
time together. That was almost 14 years ago. We dated for 10 years before
getting married in 2011. Our story wasn’t perfect. Nor should it be. The best
of relationships have ups and downs and ours or course had our share.
Thankfully ours have always made
us stronger, more resilient and more in love. Our relationship…was worth the
wait.
When we married I was 33. A few
months prior, we had an ectopic pregnancy while I was on the Mirena IUD. Even
though we weren’t trying, it was a loss that hurt us. It made us realize that
we didn’t want to wait once we were married. So with the first period after our
wedding…we were officially “TTC”.
We were pregnant within three
months. I got my BFP early, only 10 days after ovulation and my hCG levels were
great, but something never felt right. I never felt pregnant. At our 7 week ultrasound, there was nothing, just an
empty sac. Six days after the D&C, my hCG was still over 40,000.
Pathologist confirmed and I underwent an emergency second D&C.
We were still hopeful that after
getting pregnant on an IUD and again months later, it would still happen for us.
But 2012 wasn’t meant to be. We tried a few cycles of Clomid and two IUI’s. My
local RE refused any cycle day three testing saying ,“I didn’t need it”. However, my instincts proved right. After
pushing for more testing, we found out that I had severe diminished ovarian
reserve (DOR). Once that was revealed, the doctor was done with me and refused
any other treatments unless I went straight to donor eggs.
In our hearts, we wanted to do
IVF to know for sure. I told myself when it doesn’t make sense…I’d move on, but
until that time, I needed to see what my body could do before I could give up
on a biological child. We found an RE that I loved in Chicago. He was kind and
willing to give it his best shot for us. It’s all I wanted. In 2013, after a
laporoscopy/hysteroscopy that found Stage III Endometriosis and was corrected,
we moved forward with our first IVF. Between cysts and wonky hormone levels, we
finally began our cycle.
Our cycle was heartbreaking. On
the max dose of meds, we retrieved 2 eggs. TWO! And neither even made it to
attempt fertilization. Just like that, it was crystal clear. I let go of my
eggs and the biological connection to my children. It was difficult, but with
donor eggs, at least we could have a child that I could carry—or though I
thought. We flew to Colorado and officially became patients at CCRM. In June
2013, my uterus was approved to move forward with no abnormalities.
So we proceeded with a donor.
Now, curve ball…that same cycle,
we were surprised by a natural BFP.
My hCG levels were all over the
place, but never rose above the low 100’s. They decided to move forward with a
D&C—a procedure that would change our lives.
Meanwhile, we planned a “freeze
all” and once I was healed, we would continue with our FET. A week after my
D&C, my hCG was still 178, and it was confirmed that it was another
ectopic. The D&C was never even necessary.
As my body was prepped for our
first transfer, oddly, my period never came. Almost 5 months after my D&C,
another hysteroscopy showed Asherman’s Syndrome and that my uterus lining was
permanently damaged during the D&C. We had surgery to try and correct, but
after months of estrogen therapy and a failed FET, we knew that it was over. I
would never carry.
With my amazing support group, I
manage to keep pushing forward and a month later, I met my gestational
surrogate and her family. I now have a friendship with a woman that I couldn’t
imagine not having in my life and she’s currently almost 13 weeks pregnant with
our twins.
The journey we’ve been on has been nothing short of the most
insane roller coaster you could imagine. But I don’t believe that ones
infertility story should be considered better or worse, easier or harder than
another. There’s no such thing as an easy
breezy infertility journey. Some may not take as long…some may be a few
cycles of Clomid or Letrozole. Some may just need an IUI to take off the stress
of “timed intercourse” (my husband’s favorite). Others may have to move towards
IVF. And still there are those that have to look beyond their own biological
connection to adoption, donor eggs or donor sperm. And sometimes…even
more…surrogacy.
Whatever the direction infertility takes you, it’s mentally
and emotionally hard and during some of the darkest moments, it’s
heartbreaking. It takes strength,
courage and support to get through what us “infertiles” face. One thing it’s
never been for me…is lonely. I’ve never been without a friend picking me up off
the ground. Whether that friend is
someone close to me, or someone I’ve met through a forum or blog. I’ve had an
abundance of love coming my way through these past four years. It’s what’s
gotten me through.
There have been many tears these past several years as we’ve
navigated through challenge after challenge and failure after failure. There
were moments I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. But with the help
of my husband, my friends and this community…I’ve pulled up my big girl
panties, wiped away the tears and marched forward.
Thank God I did. My journey was difficult. But it has led me
to where I am today and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Nothing…not my own
eggs, not carrying a baby in my uterus, could make me love my babies anymore
than I love these two she’s carrying.
I have so many people that have been involved in our struggles;
our doctor at CCRM, our egg donor, our surrogate, my husband, all of my blog
friends and ME. I have been reminded these past few months, these babies may
not be in my body, but they are here because I never gave up.
Surrogacy is a gift that changes your life. It changes the
life of everyone involved. Our
friends, our family and her friends
and family and our children…hers and one day mine. It certainly has changed my
life for the better.
My only hope is that I can teach my children the kind of love,
kindness and act of giving that the woman carrying our children has taught me.
My Surrogate’s Daughter…and Me.
What a powerful story. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteShes pretty amazing!
Delete